what it felt like when you left

i knew something was wrong. i knew it all the time, but i trusted you. and then, i forced you to tell me. and you told me. that your feelings for me disappear. and that it’s over.

it was like you ripped out my heart. for a moment, my whole body became numb and i felt nothing. then, like an explosion, there was the pain. nothing like pain. a pain i cannot explain. i’ve never felt physical pain that is comparable to that. i heard nothing, i didn’t really noticed things happening around me. everything was numb except the pain. and then i realized. i stumbled and couldn’t breathe. for a moment, everything was black. i knew nothing: what to do, where to go. i couldn’t think of anything. i just wanted to lay down and die. or walk away until i can’t no more.

then came the stage of neglect. alcohol and cigarettes. and the stage of ridiculousness. i laughed about it. i hadn’t slept for almost three days and i couldn’t really eat anything. that was two days after. the pain was so strong and unreal. it took all over my thoughts. i still couldn’t sleep.

it is impossible to delete you from my everyday life in one second. i knew i will never kiss you again. never be next to you again. it will never be as beautiful as it was.

you’re the first one who i think of when i wake up. and the last one who i think of before i fall asleep. alone in bed, where you were before. next to me.

i thought you were the love of my life. well, obviously i was wrong. i’m afraid of loving again.

and the worst thing is, that you are all fine with that.

and maybe we think too much

maybe this is life:

making decisions rashly and regret them later. crawling up in bed at night, alone with oneself and the heartsickness. going on and thinking: it’ll be alright. but then, it is not.

maybe love is that, what we create it to be, and not what we expect from it. and maybe the meaning of life is, that we appreciate it without seeing a meaning.

and maybe we think too much.